Don't Burn Those Bras Just Yet...

Lately I have been criticized for not doing enough to further the cause of women.  So let’s get one thing straight right now.  I am not here to make things easier for all women or give you some sort of ‘equality’ or whatever it is you want.  Ladies…face it... I am not like you. 

I am a Queen and the Supreme Whatever of the Church of England. 

I am exceptional. 

I don’t represent my sex— I represent the Crown.  In order to do that effectively I must rule as a man would rule.  I must act as one of them and follow their rules.  I must belly up to the bar and ogle the serving wench. (Actually I don’t have to do that.  It’s just fun to do)

In fact, don’t even think of me as a woman.  Think of me as an ‘honorary male.’  Or a de-sexed entity.  Benevolent but all-powerful.  Muahahahahaha.

BTW, 3^rd Lady of the Bedchamber…you don’t have to worry about your promotion.  The 1^st or 2^nd Lady is probably going to sneak off and marry without my permission, and I will be looking to promote from within.

Mary, Mary Quite Contrary...

My dear Mary,

Your thoughts on marriage are not unwelcome, yet if I do say so marriage seems to have jeopardized your position more so than it has solidified it.  This unfortunate marriage to the young Dauphin has caused you much concern.  Do not fret.  I am sure that if your beloved Francis expires your bed shall not long remain cold.  I do not mean to call you shallow but that puddle Walter Raleigh covered with his cloak was deeper than you are, so you will likely continue to marry indiscriminately.  As I have told you in the past you would do better to guard your own house, especially when your neighbour’s house is on fire!  If you know what I mean!  

As to the matter of my own marriage, I cannot recall with certainty that it was I who vowed to remain chaste, nor did I state that I intend to never marry.  I think it was that damnable William Camden who put those words upon my lips!

Despite the fact that the single life would be a lot more fun, I am willing to consider a husband if the right man should come my way.  However, no suitor is without liability.  Either they are married, crazy or even worse… Catholic!  If Leicester were available I might consider him but I doubt that I could ever marry my own subject!  Who would rule whom?  I am really waiting for Mr. Right not just Mr. Right Now, so I must be circumspect and yet remain a virgin else how shall I ever marry well or command the respect of my people?

BTW, if I seem a little bitchy it is because I have the smallpox and am not feeling myself.  I hope I don’t end up a pockmarked wretch else no man will have me even if I find myself so inclined!

All best,

Elizabeth

P.S.  Cheer up!  If your beloved Francis does not recover I know a really nice guy named Henry.

A Woman's Work Is Never Done...

My Dear and Loyal Subjects,

Do not fret or worry.  I will respond in all due haste to your queries.  However, I have a proclamation to write and edicts and petitions to read in preparation of today's Parliamentary meetings at 2:30 and 5:30.

I will address your concerns this evening! (If I can accurately decipher your carefully couched questions and comments...)

E

How Cool Is This!!!

What can I say?  If I ever doubted that the people loved me... well let's just say I don't anymore.

I have been immortalized in plastic!

I think that the Queen Elizabeth Barbie is a pretty fair representation of me.  Despite rumours to the contrary, the 36-9-34 measurements are anatomically possible and I dare anyone to contradict me.

I may have the heart and stomach of a King but as you can see I also have the totally rockin' bod of a really hot woman!

An Unsuitable Suitor...

Erik of Sweden

At first glance Erik would seem a likely candidate.  Tall, blonde and hairy.  He kinda reminds me of that dude from Metallica.  You know the type!  But there are a few buts…

First:  He’s a little crazy.

Second:  He proposes to everybody.  Including my cousin Mary of Scotland.

Third:  He’s crazy.

He even tried to come here to marry me!  So I sent him a letter that I hope made my intentions clear while at the same time letting him down gently.  LOL.

This is what I told him:

Erik,

It’s not you… it’s me.  I can’t honestly say that I have ever been in love.  However, I still wouldn’t marry you because you live so far away.  I hope you find someone who can really be with you.

All best,

Bess

On Dairymaids and Crowns...

This whole ‘rule’ thing is a little more complicated than I thought it was going to be.  If at some point I thought that because I am my father’s daughter, I would assume power without being questioned, I certainly don’t think that now!  Now I realize that my being a woman really complicates things.  Not only am I expected to marry and produce an heir, but there are so many men who would use me to advance their own agendas.  Still others do not believe that women should rule at all!!!  Negotiating the ins and outs of all this is very exhausting.  I am always watching out for hidden danger and I am always being watched.  Power, I have decided, is tenuous at best.  I suppose this is a lesson that many women (and a few men) have learned before me.  Keeping your head is, in this situation, quite a challenge.  It seems that I am always under pressure to consolidate power and keep power, and I can never let my guard down or just be myself, as other women are free to do — the men are always waiting like spiders in their webs, for me to show any signs of weakness. The dairymaid has more freedom than I do!!!!!  I have empathy for other women but I haven’t really thought about doing anything to advance their cause.  Besides, then you get into that whole class thing.  I am not here to change society.  I have other worries like religious unrest and the threat of war!  Not to mention the economy.  Oy Vay….   

The Hopeful Suitors

So this is Philip.  He was married to my sister Mary.  He is dull but persistent.  Also, verrrrry Catholic! A match between us would surely please the Pope.  Of course I don't give a fig if the Pope is pleased.  The problem is that the Spanish have this thing called the Armada, which is basically a bunch of really big ships.  As long as Philip thinks he has a chance with me I don't have to worry that they might end up here!  You see the kind of position this puts me in.......

More on this to follow.

The Marry-Go-Round Part I

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.  As I told that pesky Parliamentary Delegation, I am but as God made me and I feel that I am most acceptable to God just as I am.  If it please God for me to remain chaste and unmarried then who am I to argue?  I also told them that, if God should so incline my heart to another kind of life they would be the first to know.  They seem determined for me to marry an Englishman but I just thanked them all for coming out and blah blah blah.  There is even the hint of suggestion that Henry FitzAlan might be a likely candidate!  But you know, I just don’t trust him and he kind of creeps me out…

Of course all this hasn’t stopped various heads of state and their ambassadors from constantly bothering me with this nonsense.  It’s so hard to juggle so many offers and keep all the balls in the air, so to speak.  If I flat out refuse any of them then I fear what it will do to our diplomatic relationships.  But I am not certain for how long I can keep stringing them along…

Let's Not Lose Our Heads About This...

Family.  What a loaded word it is.  It isn’t all about sitting around together at holidays saying, “Please pass the stuffing.”  Sometimes it’s about intrigue and backstabbing and making hard choices.  At least that’s been my experience.  My nephew seems to be upset with me, although I really don’t know why.  I guess I will have to do my best to explain this so that he will start to move forward, get some closure and all that stuff.  So here goes:

Jimmy — I was just listening to Sly & the Family Stone’s “It’s A Family Affair” and thinking about what you said about your Mum dying and all.

It really wasn’t my fault you know… but I understand how you feel because my Mum passed away too.  It isn’t healthy to hold a grudge though and I think we can both move past this if we try.  I know you don’t want to hear this but it isn’t like I didn’t give your Mum a chance.  Even after she tried to kill me (more than once!) I wrote to her and told her that if she would just admit what she did then she could obtain my favour!  I have to live with this too you know so don’t try to make me feel worse than I already do.  I am sure you would understand this if you ever had to face treason or a plot of some kind.

Tell you what Jimmy…

If I never have kids of my own (and that doesn’t seem bloody likely at this point!) I will name you as my successor!!!!  How does that sound luv?  Hmm?  Are we good now?

Hugs n Kisses

Aunt Liz

When You Call My Name It's Like A Little Prayer...

Soooo… I was just listening to Madonna’s “Like A Prayer” and it got me to thinking.  I realize that there are a lot of people out there who don’t think I can handle this.  I know that some people think I’m weak or hysterical (JK, you know what I mean) just because I’m a woman — but I have a few ideas that might make things a little easier for me.  I don’t want to end up in the Tower or worse!  

I was thinking that one of the main problems right now is that the Catholics are worried about what I might do and the Protestants are worried about stuff too.  What if I suggested that we don’t burn all the Catholics?  Maybe we could even leave some of the things that they really like in church?  Like wafers?  Or make ministers wear those nice gowns?  I’m NOT saying that it’s OK to be a Catholic but I’m not going to get too upset about what you do in private.  Can’t we all just get along?????

BTW… you can call me Supreme Governor or Supreme Head I don’t really care.  I’m still the boss of you!

"All the Single Ladies"

As I was rockin' out to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" I realized that ever since I got into this position of Queen EVERYONE has seriously been bugging me about marriage. Are they crazy??? I know that I can handle England on my own. As Queen I now have the power of a Queen AND King, so I really have very little desire to look for a husband. Is there really anyone out there good enough for me?? If someone really wanted to be with me would they not desire my companionship and loyalty rather than my crown and wealth?

Are all of these people bigamists? Do they not remember that when the Coronation ring was placed on my finger I made a commitment in my relationship to England?
But.... you know if the right person did come along I could perhaps be persuaded to consider a marriage proposal.

All these people are telling me what to do. When I was at Hatfield no one cared what I did or how I dressed. All of a sudden I have people telling me how to behave. I miss the days when I was free to be myself. I feel like telling everyone to just GET LOST! But I can't, because that would not be "Queen-like". I will NOT be governed by those whom I govern!

Coro-NATION

That was such a great party!!! I am so excited that I am Queen .... but there is soooo much pressure to marry. It is almost like I am a woman.... but like I have to be MORE than a woman! It's freakin' impossible!

I just barely have this amazingly beautiful crown on my head and I am already dealing with the pressures of a Queen.

Oh what to do???